cyclicality | Spirit Wilds Vagabond Catch-All

He was like water and air both -- hard to pin down, slipping away every time fingers closed around him.

The silence met with a sharp exhale of air through her nose. "Look. I don't know what you're worried about. Obviously it's about something, because you dance around everything like it's going to burn you. And normally I'd say 'You know what? Whatever. Not my business.'"

"But we live here now. You invited us, which means you want people around. And having people with you, having people trust you, means that you have to give some trust back. You can't have both."

With Aang and the others . . . it was something she'd had to learn herself -- was still learning sometimes, fighting for every inch. But as much as she didn't like it, as much as she fought it . . . it was also a reality she'd come to accept. Having people who loved you involved compromise.

A loud sigh escaped him and shuffled over to her. He sat down on one of the vines, shoulders slumped and hands between his knees as he leaned back and looked up at the canopy of trees and vines that blocked out the night sky almost entirely.

"I haven't lived this close to humans for close to eight years," he said softly. "Most of that time I've spent traveling the world, visiting what cities there were for a couple days here and a couple there before moving on again. Before that, I lived on the fringes of the city I was born in. I had two friends I was close to and everyone else were just other humans that lived similar lives. I do want to be around other humans. I want to be with them and I want to see them thrive and I want them to know the same happiness I have known in living in nature and alongside the spirits of the world."

Wan gestured vaguely toward the distance, "This world as it has become... it's everything I've been dreaming of and more. Different groups of humans living together in peace. The spirits able to return to the world and live with them. I am... I'm overwhelmed by it all..."

At his movement, at the slump of his shoulders, she moved in turn, coming to crouch down nearby. Not too close, giving him space . . . but not far, either. Her arms eased out of their cross, leaning against her knees.

He was being more open with her; she could tell that. Sharing something that he normally wouldn't. He still hadn't quite touched the question, at least not that she could tell, but . . . it was a beginning.

"For most of my life," she offered back quietly, "I stayed inside the walls of my parents' place. To the outside world, I didn't exist. I didn't know anyone except for the people who were already there. And then when Aang and Katara and Sokka came . . . it was hard. I'd never really had anyone expect anything from me. Who wanted to see me for exactly who I was."

A pause, and a faint, small smile touched the corners of her mouth. "It's still weird. But it's good too. Really good. For the first time in my life . . . I can actually say I'm happy."

"The first time in my life I was really happy, was after I'd been banished and forced to live in the Spirit Wilds," he murmured, head falling to look at his hands. "I was so tired of living with other humans. With living with the inequality they forced on each other. I felt so disconnected from them. I guess... I still do. It's hard to trust others with who I am when I'm not even sure I belong. I'm not a regular human anymore. I don't want to be. But I still want to be with them."

"Guess I never really thought about it like that." Toph's voice stayed quiet, but verged thoughtful, musing. "I guess for me, Aang's the Avatar, sure. But he's also . . . Aang. After knowing him, teaching him, tripping him . . . he's just Aang."

"If you hold yourself apart that much, you're never going to be 'just Wan' to anybody. I guess at some point . . . you just have to try. There's always going to be someone out there who's a jerk. Probably a lot of them. But those are the ones who make good rock targets."

Wan shook his head, "I think it's different for them. They were born to this. I wasn't."

He turned to look at her for a moment, not so much hesitant as he was nervous about saying it so directly to someone who didn't already know or hadn't figured it out on their own. He was proud of what he'd done. Of the people he'd been reborn as. But he was still nervous about saying it outloud when what he'd become was so important to so many humans. That wasn't what he'd intended to become.

"I wasn't born the Avatar. I wasn't even born with bending."

It didn't take too long from that to put things together. After all, the Avatar had been one unbroken line for hundreds, even thousands of years. The only one who hadn't been the Avatar who clearly was now would be . . .

Toph blinked sharply, startled, and immediately, instinctively, felt for his heartbeat.

Steady. Firm.

"Just how old are you?"

Wan raised an eyebrow. That was not exactly the reaction he was expecting... but it was actually pretty nice that it was the one he got. After a moment he laughed, "Technically? Somewhere around ten thousand and twenty-six. But I kind of skipped over ten thousand of those because of the Spirit World dragging me here."

Ten thousand years. It was hard to even conceive of. "So . . . pretty much you're like a caveman."

"What? No!" Spirits! How did she get to that conclusion? "I never lived in a cave. I lived in a city on the back of a Lion-Turtle. Just like all the other humans."

"Caveman." Followed by a firm nod -- though accompanied by a grin that said she was having more than a little fun at his expense . . . and that he'd probably solidified a nickname on top of it. "Unless you like 'Geezer' better."

Mental note that she'd have to come back to lion turtles later.

But back on the more serious topic. "I get about feeling distant from people. Maybe not even trusting them so much." (Though she was tentative about that part, given how he tended to interact; it didn't fit at all.) "And probably about not wanting to tell them you're older than dirt. But that doesn't really explain the Avatar part. I mean, all kinds of people are coming in from different worlds, different times. It's not like you have to hide it with people you know already deal with Avatar stuff."

Wan made a face that she couldn't see, but she could probably hear in his tone as he muttered to himself, "I'm not sure if either of them are better than Stinky."

He straightened up then leaned back a little, "I'd just..."

Wan didn't even know anymore. Or at least he felt that way. The world was amazing and he'd already learned so much about his legacy - or what would be his legacy - and it was all so... surreal. He knew he couldn't just tell the world who and what he was. That was for Korra to decide. But he also wasn't sure he wanted the world to know. Everyone in this time, they relied on there being an Avatar. Everyone in his time... most of the humans would prefer if he stayed out of things. He knew he couldn't, he knew he had to be in the middle of their affairs if he was going to bring peace. Be in the middle of their wars to stop them... but he wasn't needed the way the humans of this era looked to the Avatar for help and support and inspiration.

"I don't want to let anyone down."

Stinky? Now that was awesome. She'd have to remember that one.

But she was distracted from the revelation by the words that came next. And she frowned faintly, silent, musing into the dark.

. . . Maybe the words hit more to home than she'd expected.

"Yeah," she said at last, and it was like a release of breath. "I guess if no one knows who you are, no one can expect anything of you."

Edited 2014-11-15 22:25 (UTC)

Though Wan hadn't been thinking of it in exactly that way, he realized she was right. He was scared of letting others down, but the only way they could know he had, was if they knew who he was.

"Yeah," he agreed, leaning back and looking up. "No one used to expect anything of me. No humans, I mean. Most humans I met after I became the Avatar disliked me. My presence, my speaking with the Lion Turtles they lived on, forced their lives to change in ways they didn't like. Ways many of them weren't ready for. But they were ways that needed to happen. Humans had been living for so long on the backs of Lion Turtles that most of them thought their city was the only one that existed.

"But now... now they look to the Avatar for aid, for inspiration... some even treat the Avatar like someone to be... worshiped. I don't know how to handle that. I don't know how Korra handles it."

"I like being famous." Toph's voice was a quiet thread. "I like people knowing me. After having no one ever know who I was . . . it feels good, you know?"

"But at home, I get to make my own reputation. Here, it's all set, all wrapped up in a box, and I don't get any say in what people think. They already know -- or think they do. And they expect me to be that person . . . whoever she is. I just want to be me."

"Yeah, I know," he said and it wasn't a lie or an attempt to sympathize. He did know that. He'd been very excited to learn all about what had happened to him, to the legacy he left. But with it came expectations and people who thought they already knew who and what the Avatar was. And really, Wan was still learning to be the Avatar. He was still defining his destiny... but in this time and place, it was already defined for him.

"There are a thousand Yin's out there," he murmured after a moment, his tone wry and suddenly a little upbeat. "But I bet you could make the name famous."

A small smirk of appreciation from her at that. The idea of making a second name for herself, even in this place, despite whatever reputation was currently up at bat? Absolutely appealed.

Practically, though, she knew perfectly well that there were only so many blind earthbenders that looked like her in the world. For now, better to lie low, claim bits of glory when she could.

"What about you? What are you going to do?"

"What I have been doing," He said with a shrug and a genuinely happy smile. Not one she'd be able to see, but there was no mistaking it in his voice. "Helping the people that get ignored and pushed to the side. The homeless and hungry. The people bullied by gangs. Anyone I can make life a little bit better for. And teach those I can how to live in harmony and peace with the spirits that are now a part of their city."

Wan stretched once more before standing up and stepping out a little ways from her, "I'm still looking for someone to show me how to use the power of earth in better ways than I know. Are you still up for that?"

The smirk increased, though this time it was for him. "I've taught one Avatar. I can probably handle you too."

A pause. "And I meant about people knowing who you are, too. Are you going to tell the others?"

Because if he wasn't, he was effectively asking for her silence, and this was something that needed to be known.

Wan had been getting himself back into a proper bending stance, but all attempts at it dropped at her question. He settled a hand on his hip and shook his head, "I don't really want to right now. They have their Avatar. Or Avatars. They don't need another one making things even more complicated. If it needs to come out, I won't deny it. But I'm not just going to announce it. I don't want that kind of attention if I can help it. I'd rather just be able to help people when and how I can without anything else getting in the way."

Her eyebrows shifted up. "So you want me not to tell."

From the sound of things, that meant not telling Zuko or Jin, not to mention the others there from their own time. As she'd pointed out in the beginning, his choice to be incognito was affecting more than just him.

"I want you to not volunteer it," he said slowly. "If one of them asks outright, then... yeah. Go ahead. I can't, won't, deny who and what I am. But that doesn't mean I have to shout it from the rooftops, either."

She shifted, drawing her legs up beneath her, head tilting. "I followed you out here because of the others. Because if you ended up being someone that would be a threat to them, I was going to find it out . . . and probably make sure you got buried as deep as I could make you go."

Her head lifted in his direction. "But what this is . . . since it doesn't hurt them, it's not any of my business. You deal with it how you want, and I'll go along with you. They won't find out from me."

"Thank you," the smile was back in his voice. "But I mean it. If they ask, it's okay to tell them. I don't think it will come up, but if it does, I don't want you to lie for me. I'm not going to ask anyone to do that for me."

Even if he sort of already had asked Aang to do just that - but then, Aang was also him and he had no problem lying about himself if he felt it worth it, so...

Edited 2014-12-01 02:52 (UTC)

Her shoulders lifted. "If they ask, I send them to you. You're the one who should be explaining it, anyway."

Pushing off the ground, she echoed his earlier stretch. "By the way . . . just because you're an Avatar, don't expect I'll go easy on you with the training."

Spirit Wilds Vagabond Catch-All

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